WE HAVE NO SEX LIFE AT ALL!

Q:
I am a 49 year old male with a fiance of 53. We have been together for over a year. We love each other very much but the problem is we dont have sex. She says I do nothing to turn her on and I know my equipment is not as big as previous partners. She can accept the matter although she says she is missing out also. I have tried always to satisfy her but she doesnt seem to be happy. This is really affecting me mentally and I wont be unfaithful. Is there a compromise? Who can I talk to or where can I seek help?
A:
Over the span of a year, love can certainly blossom ....but so can sexual problems. Particularly if miscommunications or misunderstandings have developed, or if partners havent been clear or honest with each other about their turn ons and turns offs.

Let me clear one misconception up right off the bat. When you say that she says you do nothing to turn her on and your equipment isnt as big as other partners, you are saying two vastly different things. Let me be really clear about the importance of penis size: its not important. The only real way it can be of any significant importance is if the partner just personally or psychologically simply prefers a bigger penis. Physiologically, the size of ones penis has little to no bearing on the physical pleasure of the partner. A womans ability to orgasm is primarily through her clitoris, which is located on the outside, in her vulva, and not inside her vagina. Add to this the fact that the main nerve endings for the vagina are in the outer one third, towards the entrance, and not deep within. So length has very little role in how to make a woman feel satisfied sexually. Even girth has a small role because the walls of the vagina will snugly fit around whatever is placed in to it. The way to a womans pleasure is not through that equipment, but rather a different set of equipment: your ears, your mouth and your hands.

Talk to your partner. Ask her what turns her on. Ask her to tell you, or show you. Listen to your partner, pay attention and dont assume what worked for you with other lovers in the past, will work with your fianc now. And use your hands. Touch her. All over too, not just on her clitoris! When you caress and lovingly, seductively and passionately touch a woman all over her body, she increases her arousal and she releases oxytocin a feel good biochemical which makes her feel pleasure and also bonded to you. So touch, touch, touch! And to find out the best forms of touch, the kinds of touch that really work for her, you need to experiment and read her responses, but best of all, ask her and talk with her about it! You say youve tried satisfying her, and thats good that your intention and efforts are there, but you really need to communicate more effectively, rather than hurt each others feelings and not break through the barriers that are preventing you from being truly intimate, vulnerable and honest with each other. Love making is a shared experience, so it takes both of you to create shared pleasure. And clearly you dont want a one dimensional pleasure experience, because it bothers you that your fianc isnt as satisfied as she, and you, want her to be. But both of you need to take responsibility for this and change the situation through talking and experimenting until you find ways that do turn her on. You cant fix this situation on your own, because you need to listen to your partner.

So to answer your last question, who can you talk to or where can you seek help .... the best would be if you turned to your partner for the answers. If shes unwilling to talk specifically about it with you, or you find you cant make a connection or improve the situation through talking on your own, I suggest you go to a relationship counsellor. That way you can talk through any issues blocking your mutual pleasure and intimacy before you get married, and no one feels dissatisfied or unhappy. This situation does have a solution, but youve got to find a way to increase the honesty first, and then the pleasure in order to motivate both of your desires to have more truly great sex together, now and into the future.

Comments

 

Calls from the Naked Truth

Listen Here to calls from Dr Gabrielle’s radio show the Naked Truth

play

Body+Soul Radio with Dr Gabrielle

Play Audio
Play Audio
Play Audio
Play Audio

Dr Gabrielle’s Books

Dr Gabrielle has written three books, Spicy Sex, Urge, and Sex in the Time of Generation X. Spicy Sex and Urge are available in good bookshops and online. Spicy Sex and Urge have been translated into various languages and continue to be in high demand around the world. (Sex in the Time of Generation X is now out of print).
Buy Dr Gabrielle’s books HERE
Download Dr Gabrielle’s E-books Here