PLEASE HELP ME SLOW DOWN - I HAVE AN ISSUE WITH PREMATURE EJACULATION.

Q:
Im so embarrassed to admit it and I dont know what to do about it ... I have premature ejaculation and Im afraid if I dont fix it, Im going to lose my partner over it. I have to stop pretending its not a problem, because it is to me! Please help?
A:

There is a sexual issue that affects nearly one in three men at some point in their life. It's far more common than most people realise and can sometimes be made fun of, primarily because it makes men (and women too) quite uncomfortable. Despite being treatable, individuals and couples dealing with this problem can go months or years denying or trying to ignore the issue, to the detriment of their relationships as well as self confidence and self esteem. Just what is this sexual issue that affects 30% of men? It's rapid, or premature, ejaculation. And exactly what is premature or rapid ejaculation? It doesn't have a black and white set definition, as our sexual response is unique and changes over time, however it can be generally defined as when ejaculation always or nearly always occurs prior to, or within one minute of beginning intercourse, or the person experiences an inability to delay climax during intercourse every or just about every time.

If you or someone you love has this problem, it can seem bleak, however in a way you're lucky. Perspective: lucky because premature, or rapid ejaculation as it's now known, is considered one of the most straightforward and effectively treatable sexual dysfunctions. Some sex therapists boast a 98% client success rate. The key is to recondition the sexual response so that stimulation doesn't speed up the desire to orgasm, but rather maintains a slow, steady pace for arousal. A series of exercises called either the "stop-start" or "squeeze-tease" method, designed by famed sex therapist couple Masters and Johnson, can help change this sexual response. There are detailed descriptions of these exercises in my book, or many other specialist sex books on male sexual arousal and response, or you can visit a sex therapist (recommended) who can describe the treatment strategies for you and also guide you and your partner through addressing the triggers that may be causing the rapid sexual response. Ideally, a man starts the squeeze tease treatment process on his own, before moving on to the stage of trying the exercises as a couple. It is very important not to rush the process, and to follow each step, sequentially, in the method. It's also vital not to buy into gimmicks like desensitising lotions, or any potions on the internet that make outlandish claims. If it seems too good to be true - and too easy - then it probably is. You can't speed through the treatment, after all that's part of the problem, the rushing, so it does take work and appropriate attention to fix this condition. Follow the steps, first alone, then if in a couple, both together, and in a few months 20 to 120 second sex will be a distant memory. And there's an added bonus: the process of treating the problem often strongly connects couples and creates a new openness and intimacy together, as you rediscover each other's sensuality, so in addition to a cure, expect many positive changes to your sex life!

Dealing with a sexual problem in a relationship - any problem, not just premature ejaculation:

  • Acknowledge the issue with each other. Many couples suffer in silence needlessly because they refuse to discuss the problem. Sometimes the solution is simple and straightforward. And even if it's not, as a couple it's often better to tackle it as a team, than leave it as the Great Unsaid in the bedroom.
  • Do your research. Knowledge is power. A sexual problem can seem insurmountable when you don't know anything about the causes or treatment options. Learn about it through books or websites (reliable educational ones only).
  • Seek advice from a trained professional. Sexual problems, in my view, need to be addressed holistically by someone qualified in sexology or related disciplines such as medicine and psychology.
  • Have reasonable goals, and know that with time, patience and open communication, every sexual problem has an appropriate solution. Truly

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