MY PARTNER LIED TO ME ABOUT HIS SEXUAL PAST! WHAT DO I DO?

Q:
What do you do when you find out that your partner lied to you about their sexual past whether that was that they have slept with more people than they told you, or slept with people of the same sex, or have friends with benefits that perhaps even they are still friends with, or maybe are kinkier than they originally let on to you and now want to try something youre just not into? Or what if its something bigger and more serious? How do you deal with the curlier questions about your love life and your sexual history, and when is the right time to tell everything ... and do you?
A:
If you are entering into a long term relationship and you want to establish a level of commitment and intimacy, its hard to do if you havent been honest about who you are, and this includes your past. If youre aware that you have things in your past that your partner would want to know, or certainly ought to know, its prudent to share it with them, rather than keep it from them. Or else you might find that your new relationship quickly becomes a thing of the past.

During the course of a relationship, there will be many things you will need to negotiate and compromise on. There may be issues around jealousy, meeting or dealing with exes, creating and maintaining a hot and varied sex life, and by showing you have been honest with them from the start, about even the difficult and very personal topics, you create a sense of trust and sharing that allows you both to navigate this area of your relationship more comfortably and openly.

A relationship develops through reciprocity. This means that when you divulge something personal and your new partner does the same, it builds a sense of trust and intimacy. This reciprocal communication, verbal and non verbal, is how we gain deeper feelings for one another, and how we start to feel we are clicking and sharing common ground. Partners are then encouraged to feel motivated to continue in a relationship that feels that good and right. Part of this sharing is naturally getting to know one another through your stories, which reveal more about the person you are through the choices you make and the values you have. If you present one side of you and keep sections of your life and your past secret, these will act as roadblocks and obstacles to moving your relationship forward, and may even sabotage it....right at a time when you want to be increasing your bond. Likewise, further into the relationship if its found out that you lied or lied by omission about your past, your partner may feel betrayed and again the relationship will suffer or come to an end.

So what do you tell? If its a big thing like you were married before, or you have children, of course you must share this. As far as your sexual history, the popular assumption is that men tend to over-inflate the number of partners they have had and women tend to minimise their number. In a world of engaging in safer sex, its best to just tell the truth, regardless of what the number is. If your number doesnt accurately reflect who you are today, because lets say you had a wild youth and you dont engage in quite so much casual sex anymore, then that can also be explained. If you had a friend with benefits and that friend is still in your life, and there is every likelihood that you and your new partner will run into or even socialise with this person, then its only respectful to your new partner that they know the full story. Do you need to share details? And do you need to get explicit about everything to do with your sexual past, who, when, where, what, how often ... well these are questions only you can answer because they are personal. But the basic guideline is that the more you share, the better you will know each other and if you still feel like you are a good match, your relationship will continue to blossom. If your sexual history includes doing things youd like to try again, however kinky or experimental, you do need to talk this through with your new partner rather than spring it on them as a surprise. The more you communicate, the stronger your relationship will be and your present will continue into your future, and not become yet another part of your past, to wonder about whether to share or not to share. Be open, be honest, and be coupled up.

Comments

If you love them, listen. They are just telling you more about who you already love
Posted by Jade66 on October 24, 2010, 9:56 pm.
 

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